My amazing bed now has a creak. And it's not the sort that creaks when you make obvious movements like getting in and out of bed, or turning in your sleep. It's a subtle creak, like when you make the slightest shifty movements in your sleep like moving your hand or adjusting your comforter or rubbing your foot on the mattress.

I believe that's the more annoying of the two.

It hasn't helped that sleep has been horrible lately. I find my ability to just sit and think increases with every thought. I could lie in bed for HOURS and think now. The second I get woken up abruptly in the morning, I start thinking. Even if i'm tired and want to go back to sleep, I think for another 2 hours. Thinking... Overthinking. It's exhausting me.

Maybe it's the feng shui of my room. Lately i've been thinking (so what's new) about changing things up a bit. Well not really, maybe just move a few posters around. I don't really know about feng shui anyway, i'm just talking out of my ass.

I feel I am, like everyone else, entitled to the simple things that make people happy. Ephraim berated me several weeks ago about the same thing i've been yapping and whinging about the past 2 months. He made me question why I was so unhappy with life in the first place, and that I don't need people to make me happy.... I should just do the things that make me happy and to be reliant on someone for that is pretty dangerous especially if they could just walk out on you at any time.

But i'm not asking for much. From waking up next to someone almost every other day to waking up to that empty space left behind has messed my head up in ways I can't explain. I guess maybe because it's something new to me, the novelty of it all was addictive. And let's face it, i'm addicted to warm fuzzies like hard drugs.

I suppose its more than that too. Just to be myself. The silly, cock-talking retard with someone who thinks its brilliant counts for a lot. I want to be my silly self with someone all the time.

All that aside... I was actually doing really well without all this as of late, focusing on exams and study, enjoying life and whatnot till I got his message and I felt a complete regression. Back to those stages of resentment of both him and myself.

He's completely incapable of hurting someone intentionally, but I can't be hanging on like this. It's hardly worth it anymore.

Exam time now. Once today's paper is over I will probably need an eternal nap before starting study on the next FOUR FUCKIN' PAPERS.