hello my pretties, you shall be mine in due time (if the other bidder doesn't have a ridiculous reserve price)

i can't afford it but fuck it i don't care anymore.

this is shitshitshit

I never thought it'd ever happen. but i broke my wrist a week and a half ago.

2 days alone was pretty hard, today i can't even bring myself to get out of bed. it's 430pm and the sun's already starting to set. i've spent a stupid amount of money the past week so now i'm forced to derive new ways of cooking dinner.

my apartment is in an epic mess, and roti's made a royal mess of the bathroom. when paul followed me to the hospital the first time round he helped carry my jacket and bag out of what i thought was being really nice, only to turn around and say that i needed a boyfriend to do these things... albeit jokingly..

it struck a nerve and one week has passed and i need someone more than ever. i feel vulnerable in every sense and i really wanted to go back to singapore for the first time since i've been here but fuck me, the one time i want to go home, i can't.

i don't quite know what to do with my time.. i can't go out and shoot, missed out on 3 weeks of farmwork - i really wanted to see the lambing - can't go to a bar without feeling overly self conscious, and i really don't enjoy staying home for extended periods of time. garrr... and paul left today.. theres no one left!

My amazing bed now has a creak. And it's not the sort that creaks when you make obvious movements like getting in and out of bed, or turning in your sleep. It's a subtle creak, like when you make the slightest shifty movements in your sleep like moving your hand or adjusting your comforter or rubbing your foot on the mattress.

I believe that's the more annoying of the two.

It hasn't helped that sleep has been horrible lately. I find my ability to just sit and think increases with every thought. I could lie in bed for HOURS and think now. The second I get woken up abruptly in the morning, I start thinking. Even if i'm tired and want to go back to sleep, I think for another 2 hours. Thinking... Overthinking. It's exhausting me.

Maybe it's the feng shui of my room. Lately i've been thinking (so what's new) about changing things up a bit. Well not really, maybe just move a few posters around. I don't really know about feng shui anyway, i'm just talking out of my ass.

I feel I am, like everyone else, entitled to the simple things that make people happy. Ephraim berated me several weeks ago about the same thing i've been yapping and whinging about the past 2 months. He made me question why I was so unhappy with life in the first place, and that I don't need people to make me happy.... I should just do the things that make me happy and to be reliant on someone for that is pretty dangerous especially if they could just walk out on you at any time.

But i'm not asking for much. From waking up next to someone almost every other day to waking up to that empty space left behind has messed my head up in ways I can't explain. I guess maybe because it's something new to me, the novelty of it all was addictive. And let's face it, i'm addicted to warm fuzzies like hard drugs.

I suppose its more than that too. Just to be myself. The silly, cock-talking retard with someone who thinks its brilliant counts for a lot. I want to be my silly self with someone all the time.

All that aside... I was actually doing really well without all this as of late, focusing on exams and study, enjoying life and whatnot till I got his message and I felt a complete regression. Back to those stages of resentment of both him and myself.

He's completely incapable of hurting someone intentionally, but I can't be hanging on like this. It's hardly worth it anymore.

Exam time now. Once today's paper is over I will probably need an eternal nap before starting study on the next FOUR FUCKIN' PAPERS.

i am SO tired.

Exams start tomorrow. FINALLY. I just want to get this over with and do nothing for several weeks. All this studying has been a serious brain drain and I will continue to complain about this for the next 3.5 years. So you have been warned.

But anyway, it's winter now and it's starting to suck less than it did a week ago. Only because I gave myself the night off on Tuesday and Saturday to give my brain a well-deserved break.

Anyway, on to less boring things. My dad, en route to Canada decided to stop by London to visit Aresha. This is the photo that shames all tourist photos;

CAPTAIN GOPAL GOES TO LONDON (FEATURING WELL SEASONED POT BELLY)

Complete with the hat from Down Undah!

perfection

Why. Why are things not staying in my head after studying them for hours. My brain is like a sieve.

3 more days to exams, 2 weeks to sweet bliss.