ALL THAT'S RINGING IN MY EARS NOW IS JUST FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL FAIL SUPPS SUPPS SUPPS SUPPS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH

Strength! Little time is still viable time.

I WILL pass.

whenever i feel inspired to blog, i should blog.

This is true. I don't want this to become dead space. The blogging bug bites every once in awhile, lasts for too short a time and my attention span for it dwindles to a new low with each wave of entries.

I suppose this time around it's just the boredom from studying. I used to blog comprehensively about my life, complete with pictures and the like. Because it's so nice to look back and have a thoroughly documented memory of how you felt at the time doing what you did. Given the free time i've had I guess I can't blame myself for not doing it.

At this point in time, I feel.... worried. I've done a lot of study, I don't know if it's enough. Time will tell. Money is always an issue. Finding time to earn money is tough.

So i've completed 3 exams with 6 to go. It's created a perpetual lump in my throat, the kind that comes with worry and anxiety. I knew it was going to be this hard. I love what i'm doing with all my heart, although I have the occasional lapse into 'what in god's name am I doing to myself? My life?' With all that money on the line, it's a feeling worse than anything else I could've imagined.

For the most part, it's great. But sometimes a love for what you do is not enough. Some people need a brilliance to get them through this. Do I have it? I wonder. I honestly don't know. People have always said to me that this is exactly where they imagined I would be. That the kind of person I am will serve me well in this profession. But sometimes my mind wanders... to reading, photography, all the hobbies I wish I had more time for.

LIFE IS NOT ABOUT HOBBIES.

So I should suck it up and just fucking study for my god damn Pathology exam in 2 days.

What will be, will be.

(back to study..)

I suppose if this means anything to you, maybe you might consider quitting smoking. To put it in layman's terms, your nice soft lung tissue will be broken down and replaced with shitty scarry tissue. Which means less nice soft lung tissue to absorb all that oxygen you breathe in. You also get a ton of phlegm so you'll be coughing it up a lot, and it'll make you sound like a tranny. All that phlegm making you cough makes it worse for your remaining nice soft lung tissue. All your white blood cells needed to combat infections will be wasting their time cleaning up the mess of those cigarettes.

I've cut down on smoking a lot. Last weekend I didn't smoke a single stick till Monday. And that pack I bought has lasted me all week, it's not even finished. So safe to say i'm getting somewhere with this. The stress of exams hasn't helped much at all, but if I could get through stressful situations before without the smokes, I sure as hell can do it again. HA WELL WE'LL SEE. Anyway, I put that up just because i'm studying now. And it sucks. This is how I kill time.

Ok back to study.

resolution

After procrastinating for awhile looking at pictures from a year ago, I have resolved that I need to lose some kilos. Not drastically, i'd say around 4-5 kilos will be sufficient. I don't mind having gained this little bit of weight as it is.

But.

I don't want to buy new clothes. Or bras. I find it highly upsetting that my MNG jeans make me look like a cupcake. I was never truly skinny enough to fit them after 19 without a little bit of extra blub, but now it's gone overboard. My heart broke when I looked like a complete whale in the corset I wore on my 21st birthday. I don't mind the bigger boobs but I really don't want to buy new bras!!

Last straw was when this beautiful cheap cocktail maxi dress had a max bustline that I EXCEEDED. Whot in the hayl is going on!

So yes. I realise this exam period is probably not the best time to diet. I haven't quite been out and about since Tuesday. Hopefully all the travelling and running around Europe will see a slightly fitter me. Then back here to continue my weight loss.

Hopefully..

rarrrarrrrrarrararaarijfdslfjslg

Slowly going mad.

It's funny isn't it. The more you learn in this course, the more you realise that you're not really 'helping' in the way you thought you would. Helping in the destruction of domesticated animals. The whole idea of having pets, eating meat. Being a vet encourages these things. It's all one big skewed idea and being a vet makes hardly a dent in the entire world of the lives of other living species.

The only way to really help, is to go vegan, never have a pet, never go to the zoo/pet shop, discourage other people from buying pets (cos the whole idea behind owning a pet makes the industry tailor these poor little things to people's crazy fantasies of having a pig you can put in a teacup). How did we ever find joy or satisfaction from any of these things?? It's like... shelters, conservation programs, animal welfare, just one big band-aid for the giant-ass booboo that we created.

When I see people joining stupid pages for animal rights on facebook, I scoff cos they really don't know shit. Yeah you feel sad for the occasional cruelty case. Don't beat any animals. DON'T.

But why should I be the one to scoff? When I graduate all I'll be doing is helping farmers ensure they'll still earn money, or to make people happy when they see their golden retriever with hip dysplasia walk without difficulty but at the end of the day the golden retriever and many golden retrievers down the line will still have that tiny gene pool from inbreeding WHICH LEADS ME TO NEVER REALLY GETTING ANYWHERE WITH HELPING THEM IN THE LONG TERM.

So at the end of the day, am I just becoming someone who lives for that short-term bursts of happiness with each rehabilitated animal?? My livelihood, the spawn of the very stuff that makes me cringe.

Like Hayley posted earlier;

I HAVE SOLD MY SOUL.

Hello SWOT VAC, hello 9 exams. Some divine power please give me some sort of infinite brain stamina to study for 12 hours each day for the next 4 weeks.

Oh and hello winter, I HATE YOU.

i car(ry) us

I, I am so high

I thought I saw you mouth these words, what did you say?

I cry, I cry, I cry, so high

How dare you try to bring me down so suddenly

the sun, the sun, the sun, too high

my wings so frail begin to fail, I fade away

I try, I try, I try to fly

like a tolling bell I fell, I pealed away

I must stay high

but waxen wings are heavy things, they drag me down

the surf, the sea, the spray, the sky

the oceans maw, it gapes so wide, I fell inside

I swim, I sink, I yield, I drink, I'm done

Deep undersea I've seen such things not meant to be

I die, I die, I die, I'm dead

In a tumble down I drown

what words are left to say...

I, I am so high

this little guy is now my will to live for the next 2 months

Seriously. Give me the shittiest day ever and this video will make it all better.

phew

Not particularly exhausted, tired, fatigued etc. Just needed a moment to breathe. It's been almost 4 weeks since school resumed this year. So to sum up the almost-end of the first quarter;

Jan - Back home, time of awesomeness but not much of a holiday really, bustling around running errands, but getting Ash in respite care and my 2 weeks at the SPCA were worth it.

Feb - Melbourne for a day or so, then it was out to Trentham for 15 days of milking goodness. Apart from the odd day or two of beautiful summery weather, the rest of it was COLD. Forgot my slacks and cosy socks. Thankfully David packed enough clothes to last him 3 months.

*SUM UP FAIL* Dairy farm work wasn't as taxing as I expected. Even though the only reason I was there was cos of the course i'm in, I'd recommend a dairy farmstay to everyone who drinks milk. It's FASCINATING. So many new experiences, so much more than just learning how a dairy functions and the industry. I rode a quad bike, drove a tractor, drove a SEMI-TRAILER...

Not the one I drove, but similar. With all those hay bales too! But only in a paddock. The gears all tumbalik. (I say this instead of terbalik cos it sounds cooler)

Drank beer with the farmer every night, joy rides on the quad and crashing through electric fences.. That was painful. The milking itself was rather enjoyable. Wasn't very taxing, but an entire day's work gets you pretty tired at the end of each day. Not that we did much work. But anyway. DAVID BROKE THE GUTTER OF THE FARMER'S HOUSE, butter fingers.

Valentine's Day was spent at the farm, and David came over to surprise me! He was done the day before me and headed home first. I was rather apprehensive about it at first, seeing how the farmer spent every night at his neighbour's (sexytime). Sleeping alone in a stranger's house out in the country is rather daunting. I was so relieved when he came over that night. We brought the massive spotlight on a walk out in the paddocks to see the wildlife, and it was a beautiful clear night and being out in the country means a sky full of STARS! :D

Upon coming back, I had around a week to well and truly LEPAK, before O week. The fridge died while I was gone so this one week was spent stressing about it.

O week was really good, and barn dance was epic. So much better than last year's. Didn't spend any money on booze for myself, however I did spend 20 bucks buying Flynn drinks since it was his birthday. Haha.

Bidina, Kris and I took to the Werribee campus' in-house paddocks to traumatise their dairy herd, after drawing 3 penises in the dust covering Jess's car. Smoked a joint, went to visit the horses. Mucked around the main road outside waiting for their cab before I returned to the Kendall Hall common room to find everyone dead asleep. That was 5am. Got woken up at 7.45am to find everyone but David and Shaun gone. God that morning was so hard.

So since the start of school, it's been a tricky game of finding time to catch up with lessons every single day. Last year I whined about the timetable, but this year I won't even bother. It's just horrifying. Let's just say there are too many days with lectures running 9am-5pm.

Time after school is spent struggling to find the motivation to revise the day's work. A 10am start puts a smile on any of the 2nd year's faces. 7 subjects, 9 exams, and no options to sit supps, unless I want to waste the 2k of savings I spent on a flight to London this winter :/

I WILL POWER THROUGH THIS SEMESTER. It's been a strange year so far, probably for everyone in the world. But how can I let this overwhelm me? It'll make me pathetic.

hello almost dead blog

After 2 weeks at the SPCA, 2 flus, a hellish flight, 15 days at a dairy I am back and sitting comfortable in my lovely bed in my lovely apartment. Last few days have been just lazing around, looking for fridges, putting things away, setting things up and the like. Trying to get things in order before the new semester starts and Milky moves in!

Can't wait. I've spent so much time alone in this apartment already, when David's not around. I don't mind being alone for brief periods, but I don't think I could live alone. Once i'm over the ME time I just feel bored. It makes me sit in front of the telly for HOURS. If housematey goes to sleep it makes me feel inclined to wander off to my own room instead of continuing to vegetate in front of the tv.

And, alone, by the time I feel remotely compelled to gather some essentials to take to bed (water bottle, phone, laptop), it's at a pretty stupid hour with everything just dead quiet. So quiet it rings it your ears how alone you really are. Wondering if the big bad housebreaking hobo can get in through the balcony window. OOooh lock room door time. WHY did I just do that to myself.

Anyway... David is moving in with Kathy and Bidina which should be pretty exciting. I love the fact that I'll go on over whenever, and yay all 3 are there! It's a lovely combination. We can do fun stuff together. Like play Taboo.

I have to announce here that I got the game for $5 from the Daylesford Market. Also got The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling for $2! I think David and I have made it a habit to check out markets. It's been pretty great so far, buying stupid shit. Taboo for $5 was a real bargain, I think it retails for $30-$40.

Still looking for fridges unfortunately, even though it hasn't been for that long. Fridge died while I was in SG, and David being such a sweetheart cleaned the mutating crap that was in there so I wouldn't come back to a major stinkfest. Thank goodness. I had to throw out the tupperware I used for the food cos there was a stink I just couldn't scrub off. I hate the fact that I have to stock a fridge from the start. Like... margarine and cheese and dips and stuff like that. Sauces, sambals, oh it hurts to know it's all gone. Fresh (pun hehe) start though.

Wow this is a fucking boring entry. Boringness continues.

I bought new boots today in a mildly drunken stupor, after 2 overpriced pints at rooftop. Was freezing up there though. BY THE WAY MELBOURNE, England rang, they want their shitty summer back. SHIT it was cold. And cloudy. Most depressing summer! It was so beautiful the start of last year, wearing dresses till the end of April. But NO. I saw people getting their winter gear out for today. Ridiculous. According to Mike, Melbourne is fucked for summer for the next 10 years because of La Nina. Jesus I really hope not.. So far Melbourne has had what.. 3 days of beautiful summery weather? Meh.

Yeah... Ok.

Frank Darabont + ZOMBIES + TV series = I MUST WATCH THIS

God when did I become so out of touch?

to be 11 again

It's been 10 years since I was a serious AXN addict. Time to find the DVD boxset. Gatekeepers <3

Imagine, some crazy lady who dresses up as a pirate and prances around the roof of her apartment block.

But anyway, I watched Gulliver's Travels today and thought of this song.

last few weeks in review

I hate this country more than ever. While the weather's always fine and things are somewhat cheaper, the people are crap and this country has zero compassion whatsoever.

Save for the people I know and love. They form part of a small minority that possibly cares.

Ashwin has been a huge part of my life, all my life. The last 3 weeks have taught me that really, this country is just not where I want him to be. Behind every face who wants to help is a space cadet, a disappearing act, a lot of words and no actions which has had us chasing our tails since day one. My parents are exhausted, and they've been dealing with this all year. It's only been 3 weeks and I feel inexplicably tired. And my sister? I can't even begin to imagine how she feels.

Since he's started school this week things have calmed down significantly. The house is quiet most of the day, I can finally sleep. But i'm prepared for a lack of it when the weekend comes around.

Monday was his review at IMH (previously known as Woodbridge) and Aresha told the doc along with subordinates and case workers pretty much the whole story. From childhood up till now. And how Ashwin behaves now is a manifestation of all that he and us went through as kids. A job, and several Personal Protection Orders later it all stopped when I was about 10.

While there are kids out there who turned out awesome with equally awesome parenting, there are some who just needed a good slap or two when they were kids. Like I might've mentioned before, i'm always thankful for the experiences in my life cos they've contributed to the person i've become today. But at what cost?

Then again, normalcy? Having been in Australia for 2 years, a taste of calm opposed to 19 years of chaos. If only I could have my family with me. I could go the rest of uni without being home even once, but the sense of abandonment is too much for me to just disregard everything we've been through as a family and how tightly knit we've become from it.

happy new year

These Viceroy Menthols are disgusting. Every time I smoke them my tummy does flips (the bad kind) and makes me wanna run to the toilet. God damn Singapore and its cigarette regulations. WHERE'S THE MARLBORO

Gotta not spend whatever little moolah I have. Only just tapped into the $100 GST credit yesterday. I can finally use my local debit card again! Thanks gahmen!

I suppose I should update about my Singapore adventures soon.. I'm glad to be back but i'm already looking forward to heading back to Melbourne. But I can't till SHIT GETS SETTLED YAWL.

In other news i've covered several bases since arriving. Been to Zouk once, and I hope nobody close to me asks me to go there ever again.. Went to IKEA today, had meatballs. Been to Simpang several times, ate several things, drank several milos. Amy could not wrap her head around the idea of selling milo as a drink, cos it's something people just drink at home.

Now that she mentioned it, it is pretty peculiar. But how could it be? It's just too awesome to just drink at home.

day before the bomb went off

Bye civilization, hello David Cooper.

2 weeks. I wonder how they'll pan out. It's exciting but i'm still afraid.

I hope his family likes me.

In other news, less than 3 weeks before I fly home. I can't wait to see everyone. But I should buy Christmas presents before I leave.

Time of the month, I WILL you to arrive earlier.

*thinks really really hard to make it happen*

I DON'T WANT MY PERIOD RIGHT AFTER EXAMS. TIMING FAIL.

But it looks likely. :(

Exams almost over. My brain has just about reached that point of burning out.

My post-exam schedule is filling up very very fast. I would like to spend a solid 24 hours in bed at some point, so I gotta pencil it in somewhere.

Wednesday, after Biochem - End of Exam party till some ridiculous time in the morning.

Hangover intensity prediction = room spinning the next day, survive on teh o, cigarettes and sleep. May throw up at the sight/smell of alcohol.

Thursday - Ref. Wednesday hangover. Probably have Bidina over for some happy times.

Friday - Lara's 21st. Cocktail themed, attempt to look extremely hot but fail to.

Hangover intensity prediction = feel rather shitty but shittiness alleviates when drinking resumes.

Saturday - EMPRA gig. If I have not convinced Henry and Flynn to go I may bail entirely but I don't mind going to see them cos everyone I haven't seen in ages will be there. May proceed to Bridie's after.

Hangover intensity prediction = Mild - Moderate, feel rather shitty but eat loads instead of drinking more.

Sunday - Depending on Saturday, head to Camberwell first thing in the morning. Get some good buys, stock up on Christmas presents, wander around Target for a bit then head home for some well deserved sleep.

That's just the remaining half of this week. Jesus. Let's hope i'll still be alive to drag myself onto my return flight home.

11 more days

To the end of exams. God my brain is SO tired. This time last semester I went to see Asami. But last semester was SO easy compared to this shite. Struggling to get revision finished as it is.

11 days. I need to get my shit sorted. Horse stud, fix carpet, move furniture, move house. My brain hurts thinking about it all.

dreams of lucy in the sky with diamonds

Oh what a fantastic day that was. Wish I could do it all over again.