hello my pretties, you shall be mine in due time (if the other bidder doesn't have a ridiculous reserve price)

i can't afford it but fuck it i don't care anymore.

this is shitshitshit

I never thought it'd ever happen. but i broke my wrist a week and a half ago.

2 days alone was pretty hard, today i can't even bring myself to get out of bed. it's 430pm and the sun's already starting to set. i've spent a stupid amount of money the past week so now i'm forced to derive new ways of cooking dinner.

my apartment is in an epic mess, and roti's made a royal mess of the bathroom. when paul followed me to the hospital the first time round he helped carry my jacket and bag out of what i thought was being really nice, only to turn around and say that i needed a boyfriend to do these things... albeit jokingly..

it struck a nerve and one week has passed and i need someone more than ever. i feel vulnerable in every sense and i really wanted to go back to singapore for the first time since i've been here but fuck me, the one time i want to go home, i can't.

i don't quite know what to do with my time.. i can't go out and shoot, missed out on 3 weeks of farmwork - i really wanted to see the lambing - can't go to a bar without feeling overly self conscious, and i really don't enjoy staying home for extended periods of time. garrr... and paul left today.. theres no one left!

My amazing bed now has a creak. And it's not the sort that creaks when you make obvious movements like getting in and out of bed, or turning in your sleep. It's a subtle creak, like when you make the slightest shifty movements in your sleep like moving your hand or adjusting your comforter or rubbing your foot on the mattress.

I believe that's the more annoying of the two.

It hasn't helped that sleep has been horrible lately. I find my ability to just sit and think increases with every thought. I could lie in bed for HOURS and think now. The second I get woken up abruptly in the morning, I start thinking. Even if i'm tired and want to go back to sleep, I think for another 2 hours. Thinking... Overthinking. It's exhausting me.

Maybe it's the feng shui of my room. Lately i've been thinking (so what's new) about changing things up a bit. Well not really, maybe just move a few posters around. I don't really know about feng shui anyway, i'm just talking out of my ass.

I feel I am, like everyone else, entitled to the simple things that make people happy. Ephraim berated me several weeks ago about the same thing i've been yapping and whinging about the past 2 months. He made me question why I was so unhappy with life in the first place, and that I don't need people to make me happy.... I should just do the things that make me happy and to be reliant on someone for that is pretty dangerous especially if they could just walk out on you at any time.

But i'm not asking for much. From waking up next to someone almost every other day to waking up to that empty space left behind has messed my head up in ways I can't explain. I guess maybe because it's something new to me, the novelty of it all was addictive. And let's face it, i'm addicted to warm fuzzies like hard drugs.

I suppose its more than that too. Just to be myself. The silly, cock-talking retard with someone who thinks its brilliant counts for a lot. I want to be my silly self with someone all the time.

All that aside... I was actually doing really well without all this as of late, focusing on exams and study, enjoying life and whatnot till I got his message and I felt a complete regression. Back to those stages of resentment of both him and myself.

He's completely incapable of hurting someone intentionally, but I can't be hanging on like this. It's hardly worth it anymore.

Exam time now. Once today's paper is over I will probably need an eternal nap before starting study on the next FOUR FUCKIN' PAPERS.

i am SO tired.

Exams start tomorrow. FINALLY. I just want to get this over with and do nothing for several weeks. All this studying has been a serious brain drain and I will continue to complain about this for the next 3.5 years. So you have been warned.

But anyway, it's winter now and it's starting to suck less than it did a week ago. Only because I gave myself the night off on Tuesday and Saturday to give my brain a well-deserved break.

Anyway, on to less boring things. My dad, en route to Canada decided to stop by London to visit Aresha. This is the photo that shames all tourist photos;

CAPTAIN GOPAL GOES TO LONDON (FEATURING WELL SEASONED POT BELLY)

Complete with the hat from Down Undah!

perfection

Why. Why are things not staying in my head after studying them for hours. My brain is like a sieve.

3 more days to exams, 2 weeks to sweet bliss.

During big study periods, one should never neglect taking care of their skin (I never bother).

So after taking a lovely long hot shower I put on a face mask and came up with the brilliant idea of calling someone on skype and scaring the living shit out of them.

And THEN I realised it's now 3am and hardly anyone will be up this late on a Sunday.

Oh well.

This past week of hardcore studying is doing my head in. The last time I left the house was on Friday for end of semester drinks. Yikes. Despite the unspoken rule of SWOT VAC week of turning into a complete shut-in, I will be taking a break on Sunday to go see Ephraim and his band jam it out (feat. MY DJEMBE :D). At least it's being put to some use. I wish I had another one so people can come over and we can dish out beats together.

Another post-exam plan has cropped up. Thanks to Bidina and her resourcefulness, she's found tickets to Sydney on Tiger Airways for $20 each way. It's unconfirmed but it'll be one hell of a trip flying there with just a passport and wallet and coming back the next day hopefully in one piece.

The adventures that have transpired the past 6 months have been mindblowing. Let's see what the next 6 months have in storeee....

mmmm

Skins Season 4 on Youtube yay yay yay yayayayayayayyyay exams in a week and a half nonononnoo

whoa 3 posts in a day

SO. This is what it's come to. How i've chosen to deal with heartbreak, is to simply avoid it.

The way i'm avoiding it may not be the most ideal. Heck, it's definitely not. But it's not hurting anyone, i'm not hurting myself and everyone wins. I'm just tired of all the bullshit.

Let's see where this'll take me.

But in the meantime, it's crunch time at the moment. So time to study first.

summertime in france

2011.

Fuck I hate winter.

do you have the chops to be a vet?

Then answer the following questions.

Appropriate personal protective equipment (clothing) for working with beef cattle includes:

Shorts, singlet and sports shoes to assist you in rounding up the cattle at maximum speed substantial work boots, overalls and a hat in hot weather. swim wear as it is easier to hose yourself down at the end of the day rather than it is to try and wash cattle faeces, etc. off of your overalls base ball cap worn backwards to prevent hitting your head on overhead steel bars on the cattle crush operating handle.

The bare midriff look is appropriate for working on farms for both male and female veterinary students in summer since this type of dress:

prevents you from getting heat exhaustion during the hot weather, prevents your clothing from being snagged on any exposed bolt or wire around the cattle yards, this preceding statement is incorrect, the bare midriff look is inappropriate dress for farm work prevents excessive washing of overalls

When holding a gate for drafting cattle you should: Concentrate on what is occurring in the yards, looking at the person moving cattle and monitoring individual animals behaviour in the yard Just watch what is happening in the immediate vicinity of the person working with the cattle Turn your back on the gate for periods of time to chat with other people and/or daydream about the upcoming weekend Let go of the gate and turn your back if there is anything that distracts you. When injecting vaccine into sheep, if you accidentally vaccinate yourself you should: Panic and run screaming round the sheep yard Use a knife to cut the area open where you injected yourself and try to suck out the vaccine Read the packet and label insert and check what the manufacturer directs you to do in the case of inadvertent self-innoculation, then consult your doctor if required. Not worry about it According to Worksafe and the Victorian Government, the most frequent cause of fatal accidents for people on farms in Victoria is:

The tractor or all terrain vehicle (four wheel motor-bike) Agricultural motor bike Artificially-reared Friesian, Jersey or Ayrshire bull Bottle reared adult pet ram. Neurotic hen with a taste for blood Disclaimer : This quiz in no shape or form should determine whether or not you should become a vet.

Every time you throw a fit I can't decide if you're full of it

Every time you state your case the more I want to punch your face

brr

It's REALLY starting to get chilly around here. And so far i've gone pretty far without bringing out my heater! Or my thermals. I think I should get an award. Just for tonight, my increased tolerance might have something to do with a newly acquired hot water bottle stuffed down my pyjama pants...

I honestly wonder how I survived 5 weeks in London during the big freeze if i'm finding this cold. I'm already missing the heat.. I never had too much trouble sleeping, even when it was 30 degrees at night with just the fan. Heck, Indian Summer was great. Just the right amount of heat and cool autumn breezes. Mmmm... London, summer 2011!! Fingers crossed.

Exams are rolling up and everyone's buckling down getting their study on. As i've been as well. Been studying consistently the past TWO WHOLE WEEKS (what, really?) and will continue doing so for the next 5 weeks till the end of exams. 6 papers... I WILL be prepared much unlike last year.

Post-exam plans are already underway. Most probably already know, I will 110% not be heading home this winter as i'll be spending 15 days on a sheep farm assisting in vetty things like births, and shit scooping.

Camping.. Might pass though. Who wants to sleep in the wintery cold outdoors?

the sound of failure

She is starting to live her life

From the inside out
Sound of failure calls her name
She's decided to hear it out

Because she's too scared, and she
She can't pretend
To understand where it begins or ends
Or what it means to be dead
It's just a sound going through your head
Let them go on, let them go on

....

missing you muchly

It's totally not fair how this has panned out. Outraged. Will protest.

My last cigarette is sitting next to me. To be smoked at some point in time today. Sigh. If I put together all the boxes of cigarettes i've happily given away... I'd say it would come up to about just less than one carton. I need an influx of Singaporeans into Melbourne and I need them now. To buy me cartons of Marlboro Menthol Lights.

Yesterday was my very first university ball. Vet Ball 2010, Derelicte themed. I spent give-or-take around 2 hours folding a kawasaki rose out of newspaper and thought it was a winner. Until I got to Lincoln On Toorak to find Melanie in a DIY maxi dress made out of blankets and scraps of fabric.

She spent about 5 days sewing it together in total.

Towards the end of the night I found myself standing close enough to Alysha to hold her hair back, but far enough to narrowly avoid the projectile chunks of our 3 course dinner splashing against the sidewalk. The rest of my night followed in a similar fashion. At 3am, after bringing Alysha to a friend's house in Southbank to crash, I quietly walked across the bridge over the river towards Flinders, smoking, and taking in the sights.

As dangerous as it would be for a girl in a cocktail dress and heels to be walking around alone in the middle of the night, this weird kind of sadness overwhelmed me. I felt so horribly empty. Hmph. I wonder now if I ever felt okay and just at ease with being on my own. I don't ever recall just feeling happy with being by myself. Then again it sucks either way cos nothing has worked out in my favour the past year and a half.

Can someone please tell me how to be happy?

how things have changed from approximately a year ago..

From hardly being in school, to being in school ALL THE TIME. Typical Melbourne student life isss.... having about MAX 20 contact hours in uni a week. Which is rarely the case for most courses. This time last year I had Thursdays off and 4 hour days (or less).

Now i'm in school 8 hours a day. Not really complaining though, oh, except the SHITLOAD of work. I'm starting to question whether it's humanly possible for a retard like me to get through this.

Next.

If it wasn't for Jai last year, I wouldn't have met Ephraim and Sanny. Wouldn't have met the Final Eclipse. Or gone through emotional roller coasters with Rajiv. But then I wouldn't have met Percy or Asami and her lovely band, as well as a whole load of other music people the past year if it wasn't for her. But this time last year I hardly had any friends. Weekends were spent watching Superbad amongst a small pool of movies I had. Now every weekend's been made of awesome. I just need to watch the beers.. Been drinking so much it's coming out of my ears.

My financial situation is about the same. I wouldn't consider that a sad situation - i've bought pretty much everything I need in this apartment and couldn't be happier. I finally bought a 2nd set of sheets. Just a pimp as the last set.

And now i'm actually meeting Australians! Well they're all in my course but somehow all (well.. most) of them have been fantastic friends so far. We've had so much fun so far and it's only half of first semester. Think another 3 and a half years! Hope we don't get sick of each other.

Love life is just as dramatic as ever. But what the fuck's new? I miss the stability of a relationship.

I meant for this post to be deeper and darker than this, but I feel like my brain is made of jelly, after unsuccessfully trying to bulldoze my way through 50 pages of laboratory instructions for 6 hours of dog dissection over the next 2 days. On the flipside, Asami's playing a gig tomorrow night so I can't wait! Especially after 4 hours of lectures in school, finishing with a 3 hour dissection that smells like death... Exciting.

ultimate geekdom is possibly....

Feeling perfectly content tinkering around on Photoshop, while listening to the Smiths and looking forward to watching The Mighty Boosh afterwards, completely alone.

Perfectly content.

And so.. life moves on.

i'm floating

Disclaimer: Am not high.

And I don't mean floating in a good way... just that uneasiness like you've lost your footing walking down steps. Just waiting for the impact to hit you.

Vet school has been great, I swear there's nothing like it. It's been nice making new friends and we've all bonded so well. 2 more weeks to Easterss... and my 21st birthday! It's gonna be epic, I feel it in my bones.

Work's starting to catch up with me, so the Easter break will be a major catch up session for me. It hasn't been bad so far, but I can't lose steam so fast either.

Past couple of days have been a shock to the system but i'm not gonna let it bother me like I did last year. If all the heartbreak from before has taught me anything, it's that I need to keep things in check instead of putting it off and digging holes for myself to get caught in. We can only run away from the truth for so long. As long as you don't ruin any music for me, we'll be cool, eventually.

Now I just need to wash my sheets.

Jesus fucking christ Aruna. Didn't you say no more musicians? What the fuck is wrong with you?

And how many times do you have to fall asleep drunk on beaches till you realise its a bad idea?

I was going to watch the news, but the TV reception is busted. So is my Foxtel. That's just great.

HOLY FUCKIN SHIT

Seriously crasy tings. The hailstones were half the size of my fist at first and was hammering my roof. The hailstones got smaller progressively and then it started monsoon raining so bad I couldn't see the CBD buildings from my balcony. And I live just next to these buildings.

Apparently Southern Cross was evacuated cos the roof broke and Village Cinema at Crown had a leaky roof. Everywhere's gonna be flooded now.. Jesus I can't imagine the magnitude of damage everywhere else now. I'm thanking god now for keeping my home intact.

Gonna watch the news now.